dear Diary #7

"IT'S A GLOOMY RAINY DAY..."

NOTE: READER'S DISCRETION ADVISED! CONTENTS MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERING WORDS OR SCENARIOS.

Dear Diary,

" "Did she slap me and call me a turd?? Naa, that did not just happen. Ah! Nana Ama, this again? Just because I did not pick her up from work on time? Ah..." Kwabena, lost in his thoughts, hand on his cheek, whispering to himself, stood in the parking lot, trying to wrap his head around what had just happened.
"Look at this useless man, simple time you cannot keep! My friend stop wasting time and get into the car!! At the end of the day, I'm the one paying for this car and the food. Job, you can't keep, time too, no...mtcheww", Nana Ama yelled out from the uber to her fiance of one year..."
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" "So is this what you call wife material?? When you said you had a surprise for my birthday I did not think that THIS was what you wanted to make. Is this food?? Ah, Nana Esi, you're really of no use. You should be thankful that I am willing to marry you, no man will put up with your nonsense as much as I do. Come and take this rubbish from here! Such embarrassment", Livton yelled. He was her boyfriend, and he loved her, she knew he did. All eyes at the party were on her. He's probably upset because she had not put enough chicken on his plate, I'll just do better next time, she told herself. To avoid further embarrassment, she carried away everything she had stayed up all night to make. Yes, he is right, she thought, I really am worth nothing, I should be grateful that he's marrying me, no one would want me at this age...it's all for my good...." "
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My heart is filled with grief and anguish as I sit down to write. Truth be told, I love rainy days (check out my post "When I see the rain"); but today is a gloomy rainy day. I'm sure you've seen it all over the news and internet...yes, I'm talking about the stories circulating on abuse in relationships, all forms of it.

It breaks my heart to read some of the stories; the things people are enduring, the psychological trauma people are being subjected to, it's just sad. Today's post is targetted at young people. If you're yet to marry, this is for you. Whether you're dating, engaged, single, whatever your "status" as some say, this post is for you. I write this post to you with all the love and compassion I can possibly exude. Firstly, let's get educated. Please pay attention.

The word "ABUSE" according to the dictionary, refers to misuse, or using something for a bad effect or purpose; to treat with cruelty or violence especially repeatedly or regularly. To this effect, there are many forms of abuse:

- Physical abuse, where there is intentional bodily injury, like slapping, choking, kicking etc
- Sexual abuse, where is non-consensual sexual contact of any form
- Mental mistreatment or emotional abuse, where there is deliberate mental or emotional pain being meted out to the victim; intimidation, ridiculing, harassment, yelling, isolating from family and friends, control, death threats, etc
- Exploitation, where the vulnerable individual's resources or income are illegally or improperly used for another person's gain or profit
- Neglect - which can also be self-inflicted, i.e. self-neglect; a person through their actions or inactions deprive a vulnerable individual of necessary care, could be yourself, or someone else
- Abandonment - where a vulnerable individual is left without the ability to obtain necessary food and clothing, or even healthcare.

I'm going to stop there. All of the above are the many ways in which abuse can be exhibited. For someone who is being physically abused, they may have bruises, lacerations, broken bones, even open wounds etc. The mentally abused may be extremely withdrawn, agitated, and exhibit unusual behaviour like rocking or sucking of the thumb, nervousness around certain people etc. Please and please again, if you find these signs on anyone in your community, maybe a neighbour, co-worker, or a classmate, try to be kind, get close and offer friendship, and get them help as soon as possible.

Now to my young people, all these forms of abuse may rear it's head in the behaviour of the potential abuser as a preview, whiles dating or getting to know them. Many call it "Red Flags". It's called "Red Flags" for a reason, RED means STOP! - don't go any further, stay right there. As Chinese people like to do it, they make a 'T' sign with their hands, communicating to you that you've crossed the limit, or you're treading "dangerous grounds", you need to stop with immediate effect.

Marriage is a long journey, "Till death do us part" is a long long way away. Take your time. Make the right choices. Look out for the signs, the red flags. For e.g. Someone who has a bad temper, insults you the least chance they get, threatens to beat you up or has even done so, tries to control your finances, tries to cut you off from family and friends, embarrasses or humiliates you in front of others; please and please again, rethink your choice.

Maybe you're a bit older, maybe in your late 20's or 30's, don't allow societal pressure and possible pressure from family cause you to rush and make the wrong choices. Please and please again. Stop making excuses for people, "oh he just had a bad day at work", "Oh, her co-worker probably pissed her off", "Oh it's because I didn't pick her up early", "Oh, it's because I didn't visit like he asked"; Stop making excuses for people. Marriage is too long a journey to start off on doubts, and excuses for the unacceptable behaviour of your significant other. Don't get married and then suffer for things that could have been avoided, walk away NOW. With your sanity, with your peace of mind, WALK AWAY.

Anyone that makes you feel like you are nothing without them, that your life will be in shambles if you don't marry them, is one of the greatest red flags of all time. WALK AWAY.

They humiliate you in front of friends, family members, and later come to apologise claiming "they don't know what came over them", my sister, my brother, WALK AWAY.

They love God, but every time you try to speak on a subject or suggest something they shut you up, just because maybe as a man, you're jobless at that moment; or as a woman, they tell you a woman should not talk, she does not know more than a man... WALK AWAY.

You're dating them, and they are all over the place with other people...fornicating, scandal after scandal, always cheating. They claim it's the "devil", or that people are going after them incessantly, or that it's a "weakness". Saa?? WALK AWAY, WALK AWAY NOW AND DON'T LOOK BACK. Nothing will change after marriage.

You're having an argument, and she lifts her hand in an attempt to slap you, or she rains insults on you, from you to your entire generation; or he raises his hand in an attempt to hit you, or calls you names from worthless to ugly; whether they apologise or not, rethink your choices. WALK AWAY.

They hit you and say YOU provoked them. Hmm. WALK AWAY!!

I'm not saying that change is unattainable in such circumstances, but I want you to understand that no human can be changed unless they willingly, subject themselves by themselves to such a journey. You're not God, don't try to do any "superhero things". WALK AWAY. Support them on their "change journey" from afar.

What am I trying to say?? We need to learn to stop making excuses for people's behaviour. You're seeing all the signs, everything, don't think that after marriage there will be a change. And if you're Christian, you know there are rules governing the constitution of marriage (I'll touch on the subject later).

Don't rush into anything. Don't be afraid of the unknown. Some people stay in abusive relationships, because of the fear that they will not find someone as "good" as their current partner, and THAT'S NOT TRUE. If they are as good as you think, they will not treat you horribly. You need to love yourself enough to think of the best for yourself. You need to love yourself enough to understand, that you are worth all the love and affection that healthy relationships come with. DO NOT endure an abusive relationship for fear of the unknown, and end up marrying an abusive person. Please.

Yes, no relationship is perfect; but trust me, I am not about to make a sorely imperfect relationship a life-long marital commitment, with kids involved. Nope. And neither should you friend. My kids deserve better, your kids deserve better, we all deserve better.

So please, read the signs. Don't brush stuff off. Nothing disappears after marriage; our elders say that every flaw becomes accentuated in marriage. That young lady has no regard or respect for you, that gentleman has no regard or respect for you, WALK AWAY. Honestly I can't stress it enough. Relationships are not by force o, if it's not adding any value to your life, not making you a better person, not helping you fulfill purpose, massa, don't waste your time and life, WALK AWAY while it's still a bit easy.

The sad reality is that some people are being abused and don't know it's abnormal; and some people have abused and are still abusing others, and don't even know that there's something not quite alright with them.

If after reading this post, you have an inner conviction of being an abuser, please seek help to become a better person. Some people abuse others because they themselves were abused in their early years, although not an excuse, it's a reason. So if you're one of such, seek help immediately for the betterment of your future relationships, and yourself, and even your kids.

Again, this is not to say that you, the one being abused, need to stay in the relationship and help them change, NO. Let them seek help, and support them from afar. You're not a superhero.

If you're being abused and feel helpless, please contact the domestic violence & victim support unit of your country (Ghana - 0302666285). Abuse can lead to death, depression, lifelong psychological consequences, and even suicide. I'll touch on sexual abuse another time...that's a sensitive topic.

Please, don't downplay any form of abuse. It can destroy you and bring the chasing of your dreams to a halt, temporarily or permanently. Nip it in the bud before it blossoms into an ugly flesh eating monster. Take measures NOW. Once this post ends, take measures. Secure your mental health and future. I'm rooting for you! You can do it!!

You are loved, always!❤

"You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are, and change the ending."

- C.S. Lewis